Summary of 2 years

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Assalamualaikum wbt. Ma shaa allah! It's been years, aku tak menulis di sini. It's been years aku tinggalkan hobby menulis dari isi hati dan fikiran yang matang dan baik. Aku akui, terlalu banyak masa aku habiskan untuk lari daripada kenyataan hidup. aku pilih distraction over facing the real problem and solving it. natijahnya, aku himpunkan semua masalah yang ada dan aku tersepit di antara semuanya. aku kaku dan beku tanpa arah nak dituju. perkara yang menambahkan lagi kerumitan hidup ialah aku pilih untuk tidak bergerak. aku jadi penat dan terbeban dengan semua masalah yang menghujani hidup aku selama ini. jadi aku tidak menjadi diri aku yang sebenar. seorang fikriyah yang sangat selesa hidup dalam dunia dan fikiran dia, yang sentiasa ingin menjadi yang terbaik dan memberi yang terbaik daripada apa yang dia ada. itu fikriyah yang aku kenal suatu masa dahulu. 

fikriyah yang menjadikan kebahagiaan dan kejayaan orang lain sebagai pembakar semangat untuk dia terus berjaya. yang berjaya mengharungi pelbagai rintangan hidup, walaupun pada hakikatnya, dia tak ada tempat untuk merujuk. dia mandiri. dia berani. dan dia kuat. dia tak pernah putus asa dengan perjuangan hidup dia dan sentiasa memberi peluang pada diri untuk mencuba dengan lebih baik. itu fikriyah yang sebenar. 

what a great introduction! sangat berat dan gelap.

to be frankly speaking, for the past 2 years in hiatus, fikriyah itu hilang. dia tidak menjadi seperti apa yang digambarkan. apa faktor yang menyumbang kepada perubahan drastik? mungkin faktor kawan sekeliling. mungkin juga faktor diri sendiri. tidak dinafikan seperti mana kawan aku, begitulah juga aku. maybe i became depressed so much becasue i see my friend deepressing so much. me being seseorang yang sangat mudah terpengaruh dan mudah meresap situasi atau keadaan, aku terbawa dengan emosi sekitar dan aku hanyut. juga faktor diri sendiri yang sukar untuk mengawal emosi dan membezakan realiti dan fantasi menyumbang kepada sukarnya untuk aku kelaur daripada kepompong awan gelap yang menutupi jalan kehidupan aku. tetapi tidaklah aku meyalahkan diri dan juga kawan-kawan sepenuhnya. itu hanyalah faktor penyumbang, kepada terjadinya apa yang telah terjadi.

benar. bercakap tentang perkara yang telah berlaku adalah mudah, kerana ketika semuanya mampu diluahkan, solusi kepada masalah telah ditemukan. setiap kejadian telah berjaya diformulasikan dengan daya fikiran yang matang, dan banyak cabang keluar telah dicuba. hasil daripada semua tindakan dan keputusan telah didapati. maka, sebuah konklusi telah tercipta. its a series of scientific work of how formulating a problem leading to a discovery of solution and conclusion. basically, that is life, in my perspective. its a continuous or series of learning episode, series of problem solving events, to make you understand life better and have the power to solve multiple problems in life. 

problem is a problem. i am a person now, who do not want to approach a problem in a way that i minimise the scale of issue or even magnifying it. im still learning to accept it, the way it is. i used to wear the magnifying glass on my mind, and i screw it up. i see problems as punishment that it daunt me and pin me down to the bottom rock of my life. thats when the depression creeps in.  I have never been told by the treating team of my diagnosis, i realised of the narcissistic issues, but i guess, i should not commit on the depression part myself. i may want to use the term depression, to describe the darkness and difficulties for me to move on in life at the moment. it does feels so dark, life feels like a burden to me, and all i want was it to end ASAP. I really did something insane, and Alhamdulillah, im still alive. alive and better, to document my journey in life for my future reference.

for the past two years, i failed my medical school, repeating a year, struggling throughout, battling with my self-confidence, accepting the fate that, i failed and im repeating a year. adapting to new faces, new norm and new culture. my new friends aren't any close to my bestfriends of 4 years at the moment. I'm also battling with accepting that my friends are moving forward. they are then, my seniors. they are graduating sooner than i will able to. It was difficult. it was sad. but, alhamdulillah, Allah is the most Gracious. memang hidup aku berubah 180 degree. i would say, all of my comfort zone are somewhat gone. tapi dia bagi aku peluang to explore another side of life. i enjoyed my bestfriends accompany so much. i appreciate every second i have with them. i counted every moment that i got to spend with them. we celebrated each other so much. we cared for each other dearly. from just bestfriends, they became my sisters. i enjoyed kuala terengganu experience so much. during the deepest pit of my life, He gave the experience of a lifetime. HSNZ was amazing. becoming a student and patient at the same time, gave me the best experience of both worlds. touristing, eating, exercising and enjoying each others company. it was a wonderful posting/gateway of my life. 

coming back from terengganu, i see clearer. even though i am no longer 24/7 with my bestfriends, i can still be one of them. i can still appreciate and make the best out of our friendship. i am definitely on my own. i pick up things for myself, but i then realised i have lots of people around me, who cherish my presence and success.  

despite still having difficulties processing my whole family system, even after 25 years living as one, i find it still, to this day, as my biggest challenge. i guess that's the power of family. they are the closest people to your heart, then you tend to have a picture perfect description of how they should looks like, yet they are still human, who make mistakes and do dumb things that irritate each others so much. my biggest realisation is, to accept each of my family members as who they are. learn how to live together. cause after all, you are one of your kind. everyone is different and by cherishing the odds, you gonna be bale to value the best out of them. i admit, im not a good gameplayer, i tend to withdraw so much, but hey, what else can i do to maintain my 'position' as one of the player. JK! even so, my family is the most dearest people in my life. we grew apart, but they still mean the most to me. (just to be clear, we are still one unit, living together, but value our individuality)

studying has been hard, more in the most recent. repeating year was challenging in its own way. well, basically i am repeating year exactly in the same order i had it the first time. i can easily expect what is going to happen next. PSY and O&G posting was the most anxious part, cause I need to past. Out of all 4, these 2 are the one i put extra effort in, due to the exams. haha. community and family medicine was just nice. i have not been good during family medicine posting, cause.... my behaviour, but i do enjoy community medicine, inspite of all the drama. That moment was also the time where, i loose one of the biggest momento i have from my parents. it is still a devastating memory to remember, but i do hope, one fine day, i got to buy it back. please allah, grant my wish. and i was broke from then on. haha. Paeds was YTJT! Can't complaint more. end of story. fast forward eveything, i passed all postings, and had a wonderful 6 weeks of holiday before coming back for final year.

allahuakbar! FINAL YEAR! already anxious before starting the year. to begin with O&G and Paeds. I was drained by the fast-paced highly demanding posting, and malignant lecturers. On top of that, i have the issues of finding place to settle down. to an extend that i think im gonna crash in surau for weeks before dapat tempat to stay. alhamdulillah, angah was still around, he helped to get me a room in k12, get me used to the travelling routine and comfort me like almost everyday. live been good. minor postings, anaest, ED, and sports med was awesome. Raya was incredible. but Ortho was tough for me. I hate anatomy. my weakness! but the posting was fun. you can't get the same fun in other postings. OT was good for me, assisting a few surgeries. Oncall was also amazing. then here comes, my 'most beloved' MEDICAL POSTING. From 3rd year it was the triggering posting for me. the posting i started questioning my decision into medicine. medicine has its own way of treating me. it is sooooooo difficult and soooooo much. i cannot cope. i am not sure what did i do throughout the postings. i was there but i am not present. and tomorrow mornig is my exam day, yet im here writing all this crap to sooth the feelings. haha. 

god knows, i can do this. in all the missery of not wanting to study, he keep me occupied with the house problem again. so that i woke up and start thinking of my life, like right now. Allah has special ways of telling me to wake up from my dreams. And now, i hope i am fully awaken to finally realise, i have exam tomorrow and i have a life to deal with. surely, with difficulties comes ease. He made it come in package. semoga dengan perpindahan ke rumah baru minggu ini, and peralihan ke posting yang baru, i can have a better way of living my life. make it purposeful and meaningful as much as i can. Amiin. 

thank you again Fikriyah, for staying alive, for not giving up on yourself, for striving on your own terms. semoga, kamu finally realise, you are dealing with someone's life in a very near future. amin.

with love, 

Fikriyah