Me and exams - 15 precious weeks of my life (pt. 3)

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

Hai! Assalamualaikum wbt. I'm back! Alhamdulillah exam End of Posting for Introduction to Surgery dah selesai dengan lancar yesterday. I'm so grateful that aku exam sama-sama dengan team A3 from medical posting, except for D. (yet he still came to the hospital on the day of examination to support us and others)

For this entry, aku nak share pengalaman aku menghadapi exam kali ni. It's quite different and challenging. Well, actually aku susah nak start share pasal ni sebab my mind is not focusing on this matter at the moment. Cause now, I am worried about my presentation during short case examination and I am more terrified with the possibilities of me to redo the exam. Okay, let's forget about it! Jom start the story.

Journey untuk exam kali ni quite long as compared to EOP medical. In surgical, previously akan dapat 1 week untuk study week before a centralized exam. Unlike this time around, exam was conducted in decentralized system as per required in the SOP following Covid-19 pandemic and were conducted in two weeks time to make sure that everyone get to the examination before time. We were regrouped into a group of 4-5 students and evaluated by 2 lecturers in charged. I got Prof S and Mr C for my examination. Alhamdulillah, I'm blessed, sebab aku comfortable and familiar with these two lecturers. 

Announcement for examination was made on Monday, 17th August 2020, and we were told that exams may start on that week. Cuak sangat-sangat waktu tu. Sebab takut kena exam on that particular day. (Actually aku nak share pasal apa yang aku rasa during the exam week, tapi asal aku rasa entry ni jadi macam a complaints essay over the examination? Sorry na if you feel so. I will try to make it personalised to me) Okay back to the story, aku cuak sangat. 3 minggu tambahan untuk cover posting surgery yang sangkut masa PKP tak cukup untuk compensate the other 11 weeks yang aku dah take for granted due to my own choice and yes, instability at that moment. Plus, masa PKP, sumpah aku tak buka buku langsung. I did not revise, I did not study for real. I was focusing on my therapy sessions and my goal to get better psychologically. (Which I never regret, cause it turns me into a new person, which I love so much!)

Waktu announcement exam keluar aku cuba untuk calm myself down. Aku cuba untuk kuat dan redha dengan apa jua yang dah ditetapkan for this examination. Untuk surgery, there was no list of examiners and candidates posted, there was no timetable for examination notified to us. Rasa macam dapat hukuman gantung, tapi tak tahu dengan siapa and bila. Dalam pada aku cuba untuk redha, deeply inside I am so terrified. Terlalu banyak perkara yang aku tak tahu, yang unconfirmed. Knowing myself, aku sangat-sangat tak suka waiting and indicisive matter. Dan it happens untuk perkara paling mustahak pada diri aku at this moment, which is end of posting examination. Ya Allah rasa kat hati tu, takut sangat. Hari-hari bangun, berdebar tunggu call dari pejabat untuk exam. Monday passes till Friday. Sorang-sorang housemate aku dipanggil untuk exam. Masing-masing dengan pengalaman exam masing-masing. Ada yang kena panggil 30 minutes before exam. Ada yang dah pergi exam, tapi postpone to the next day sebab patient takde. Ada yang dapat call pagi, petang kena pergi exam. But then, aku still tak dapat apa-apa call. 

Exteriorly, aku cuba untuk kuat, cuba untuk lawan rasa takut and anxious dalam diri bila aku tengok semua exam. Setiap kali dorang kena panggil, aku yang sama-sama nervous untuk dorang. Nervous jugak untuk diri sendiri sebab takut, I will be called next! Tapi apa aku boleh buat. IT IS LITERALLY KERJA ALLAH. Yes, by means of susunan coordinators and lecturers availability. But still, terjadi dengan izin Allah. Seriously, I'm weak and helpless. Penat dan takut at the same time. Aku cuma mampu berdoa dan berharap yang segala-galanya adalah yang terbaik untuk aku. Apa yang akan berlaku, aku harapkan jadi yang terbaik dan yang paling penting aku redha.

Habis satu minggu exam. Housemate semua dah habis exam clinical for short case and long case, tinggal exam theory je on the next Monday which was on 24th August 2020. Serious, aku jealous tengok dorang dah habis exam. Masing-masing dah last paper syndrome..haha.. but I cannot! Sebab belum even start any paper pun lagi. Haha.. hati rasa sedih but, there's nothing I should regret or be ungrateful for. Looking at the luxurious of time yang aku ada untuk study and prepare for exam, I feel so blessed. Kalau aku nak compare kesenangan yang kawan-kawan aku dapat sebab habis exam awal, then I should compare dengan segala usaha dan penat lelah yang dorang dah sacrifice prior to exam. Then, baru fair. Aku start revision pun lambat, and aku tak rasa aku mampu untuk exam awal macam dorang. Therefore, I am thankful for apa yang Allah dah takdirkan untuk aku. Sikit pun aku tak marah or kecewa. 

Kalau previously, aku selalu ada problem untuk study when it comes to exam. I will be overly stressed out and aku akan shut down. Shut down as if aku give up before even trying to start the pace of studying in conjunction to the examination. Aku akan laying down on my bed, crying, for not being able to study. I would spend  loads amount of money to satisfy my cravings and hopefully in turns it will uplift my mood to study. But, none of those effort would benefit me. I still can't study. Aku cuma mengharap dengan apa-apa yang kawan-kawan aku feed the night before exam. That's how bad it was. And, after exam, aku akan berada dalam situation of regretting and doubting my efforts and the results I got. For every one of the examinations I have experienced bofore this, itulah prosesnya. Dari first year, sampai aku third year, in medical posting, itulah keadaannya. I can't do anything about it. Aku cuma mampu berdoa that I could pass the exams and move on to the next semester. Alhamdulillah, I passed, tapi aku tak rasa puas. Aku rasa bersalah. Sebab aku tahu aku tak study. And bila aku tengok ada kawan-kawan yang fail sedangkan dorang bersengkang mata study, aku jadi lagi serba salah. Aku rasa aku tak layak untuk pass. Aku question takdir Tuhan pada aku. Kufur nikmat namanya tu.

But now, Alhamdulillah, tsumma Alhamdulillah. My life has changed. Aku pernah mention kan pasal therapy psychology that I focused on during PKP. That truly helps untuk aku change perspective aku tentang life holistically. Previously aku sangat senang give up dan patah semangat dengan kepayahan dan kesusahan dalam buat sesuatu perkara. But now, Alhamdulillah. I am able to study and read books during the time I am waiting for my turn to exam. Dalam keadaan stress, aku berjaya untuk manage stress aku supaya tak shut me down and give up. I did it! It is an achievement to me. And now, finally I can appreciate the meaning of hard works and sacrifices. Its beautiful. It gives meaning to every effort that I put on works I do. Aku tak pernah rasa macam tu sebelum ni. And now, I am feeling it. It feels worth it all the time I am waiting and the effort I put to study. Aku bersyukur sangat pada Allah sebab makbulkan impian dan doa-doa aku untuk get better and make my life more meaningful. I learnt it through the therapy journey. Therapy journey was full of ups and downs. There's days yang aku excellently manage to pass through the emotion, but there's still days that I felt down deep into my insecurities. But, get back up and try again, is the key. Not giving up and keep trying is the key. And, alhamdulillah, I am better. 

Now, I appreciate hardships and mistakes in life. I appreciate the inappropriate things that I do, because from the mistakes, I learnt so much in life. I am more tolerable with imperfections and differences in myself and many people around me. I am less comparing to others blessing. I am sufficient with whats in my basket. Yet, to be true, I am still not 100% recover. And for me, there will be no 100% anymore. There will always be room for improvement and it allows me to get even better everyday. Getting better is no longer a goal for me, but it has turned into a responsibility that I need to fulfill everyday. It has become a part of me. Something that I need to do everyday, willingly! 

With a heart full of love, to anyone reading this, if you ever feel that you cannot cope with your life, please stay and keep going. There's always light by the end of the pitched black tunnel. There's always silver lining over everything that happened in our lives. If you are alone, find your trusted person to tell to. If you got no one near you, go and seek help from the professionals, cause that's what I did. Let your guard down and allow yourself to get better. Because in the end of the day, you have to love yourself more than you love others. Treat yourself as valuable as you treat others.

To my muslim brothers and sisters, Allah is with us. He is watching us and waiting for us to sujud and make dua to Him. Tell him everything that you feel even the silliest matter you may think of. Talk to Him as how you would like to talk to your comforting person. He understands. Then, ask for His forgiveness over every mistakes we ever did and ask for His blessings and guidance in relation to the matter that bothered us so much. May He guide you to his blessed path. 

I guess that's conclude to my entry today. I hope everything is good for everyone of you out there (for who may read this post, HAHA!) Perasannya I, ada ke orang baca blog I ni? HAha.. OK then. wish me all the best, in my life and study. Hoping the best for you too. Thank you love.

Love,

Fikriyah